Cyrus, this is going to be a dissertation. I hope you don't mind, but you did request this.
First, a couple of general comments. I think you got the drift of the song pretty well. You told me in your note that you were concerned that your translation might be too literal. My impression was the opposite; it strikes me as pretty loose in places. For example you change the person of a pronoun and the tense of a verb frequently.
Here are some specific comments and suggestions:
Line one gets the idea across. I would follow the Spanish more closely but the line is OK as is. Line 3 will not make much sense unless you follow the Spanish grammar more closely in line 2. "Se connectan de algun modo" needs to be rendered more literally. I would suggest, "They connect in some way" Then line 3 follows naturally.
Verse 2:
In line 1 you ignored the verb "es" entirely. The line is not a phrase; it really is a sentence and I would translate it as one. Line 2, Because line 1 is a sentence, the "que" at the beginning of line 2 means "that", not "what. You didn't pay any attention to "hace tiempo." As you probably know, "hace tiempo" is an idiom indicating passage of time."esperabas" is not present tense, but imperfect tense. So putting the whole line together with these observations in mind I suggest you say, "that you were awaiting for awhile."
Line 3, "not to be forgotten could be used to translate the subjunctive, but the verb here, "olvida" is present tense. So a better translation, because more faithful to what the Spanish actually says, would be, "The first kiss is not forgotten." Next line. The reflexive form, hacerse, is being used. That reflexive verb has several somewhat different though related meanings. I think the best fit here would be "to become." So then the line would read, "it becomes eternal." This is a subtle difference, but my feeling is that the composer used "hacerse" rather than "ser" for a reason and the translator should respect that.
Next verse:
"Sientes" is 2nd person, not third, so it would be better to say, "You feel as if..."
Line 3. Your translation gets the general idea across, but here too I would follow the grammar and say, "you count every minute."
Line 4. "Suspirar" doesn't mean "to breathe." In Spanish "to breathe" is "aspirar" or "respirar." "Suspirar" means "to sigh" And in the line I wouldn't change the grammar. I would say, "you sigh every hour."
Line 5. The verb is "refugias." This is second person singular, so whatever is being done, you are doing it, not the butterflies. "Refugiarse" is a reflexive verb, but there is no reflexive pronoun in this sentence. So the verb must be "refugiar", a transitive verb. Keeping these points in mind the English meaning must be, "you shelter butterflies in your body."
Verse 4. Even though "fuiste" is imperfect rather than present, that doesn't make much sense to me and I think you are right to translate it as present tense.
Line 4 Better perhaps to say, "All you want is to be at her side" or "the only thing you want is to be at her side."
Line 5 "Comemos" is first person plural. That doesn't seem to make much sense to me in the context. Could that perhaps be a wrong word in the transcription? I think you have captured the thought correctly.
Verse 5
Line 3. "Fundir" can mean "melt" but here I think it means "merge," So the English would be, "we merge skin with skin"
Next line. "The both of us" is not considered acceptable English so I would say, "the two of us."
Next verse:
Line 2. "se agita" is reflexive, so it doesn't quite mean "stirs." You could be quite literal here and say, "breathing becomes agitated," or "breathing becomes excited."
Next verse:
There is a typo in the first line in the transcription. "ver" should be "vez"
This has been quite a mouthful. I hope it has been helpful.