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    Vergiss uns nicht → English translation→ English

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Forget Me Not

When we joined together
With our hips, like insects
I began to beget ¹
And the field began to blossom
The seed was good, the year was young
But Mother Earth was infertile
 
The old womb wouldn’t take
And all the tiny little snakes
Fell through the grid work of the loins
And released a storm
 
Forget Me Not
Do you remember, in March?
Father tilled the field
Mother’s heart broke
 
Children crawled out of the skin
Onto the ground and sang aloud
Where I, myself, was sown
One heart rotting in the barren zone ²
 
Forget Me Not
Do you remember, in March?
Father tilled the field
Mother’s heart broke
 
Forget Me Not
Do you remember, in May?
Father lost his heart
Mother’s heart broke apart
 
Original lyrics

Vergiss uns nicht

Click to see the original lyrics (German)

Please help to translate "Vergiss uns nicht "
Comments
FunkenstossFunkenstoss    Sun, 15/01/2012 - 09:11

(EDIT: The comments below pertain to an earlier version of Brightswan's translation. She has updated it much since with many new poetical, inventive phrasings. Great work!)

I am the author of this translation, having also originally supplied the transcription of the source text found there. While it certainly is a good thing that you used my transcription rather than the flawed one that appeared on the 'net first, it's apparent that you likely might also have used my translation as a base, making alterations at your own discretion in an effort to improve upon it. Let's take a look and see how well you succeeded at this.

Quote:

As we joined together *1

Quote:

Straight translation:

*1 - Als wir uns zusammen steckten – As we put ourselves together

"As we joined together" is quite elegant; as a matter of fact, a bit more so than my "As we put us together" (still, "join" is much more generic than the original "sich zusammenstecken").

On the other hand, I can't agree with the footnote - "ourselves" means "each oneself, on their own, independent of each other", which is not the case here ("each other" would also be wrong, as it means "one another"). Here are a few examples of reasonable literal translations:

"Als wir sich zusammensteckten" -> "As we put ourselves together"
"Als wir uns gegenseitig zusammensteckten" -> "As we put each other together"

As, in the text, it's neither of the above (not that they make much sense anyway, but they're just examples), the literal translation would be best approached in the simplest way (to avoid implying a meaning not present in the source):

"Als wir uns zusammensteckten" -> "As we put us together"

Quote:

With our hips, like insects

You chose to translate "mit" most directly as "with" here - I considered "by" more fitting when referring to body parts in this way, but your approach is by all means valid as well.

Quote:

I began to distribute myself

While this is not wrong per se as far as the more general meaning is concerned, I feel "distribute" abstracts too much from the original wording used, which I tried to preserve as much as possible, hence "I began to spray myself about".

Quote:

The seed was good

The principal meaning of "die Saat" is "the process of sowing", thus my translation is "The sowing was good" ("The sowing was proper" in the revised version). The ambiguity can hardly be kept here, and "die Saat" meaning "seed", while possible, is less likely.

Quote:

But the ground wasn’t fertile

When speaking of fertility, the term "soil" seems to be more suitable than the more generic "ground", hence my translation "But the soil was not fertile".

Quote:

The old womb wouldn’t take *2

Quote:

Straight translation:
*2 = wouldn't take = wouldn't receive, wouldn't take the pregnancy.

I like how you didn't go the literal route with "wollte nicht", and translated it as "wouldn't" (rather than "was unwilling to" as I did) - in hindsight, I have to agree with "wouldn't" being the better option (at the end of the day, it's hard to imply intent to a womb).

As for "take", the only benefit seems to be how it sort of rhymes with "snakes" from the next line - I used "receive" here ("conceive" in the revised version).

Quote:

Fell through the grid work of the loins

That's... interesting. Well, I probably would be inclined to use “grid work” if "Gitterwerk" was encountered in the source. As it is, I translated the line as "Fell through the loin grating".

(By the way, "Lendengitter" is one of those compound words invented by Till Lindemann you just gotta love - "Funkenstoss" also being one of them; you will find neither in a dictionary.)

Quote:

Do you still remember, in March?

Unfortunately, the explicit translation of "noch" as "still" is out of place here - the phrase "weißt du noch?" simply means "do you remember?" (a bit on the idiomatic side). If you really would like to say "do you still remember XYZ?" in German, it would rather be something like "kannst du dich (immer) noch an XYZ erinnern?".

Quote:

Father cultivated the field

In this particular context, the word "bestellen" has an obscure meaning, which the accompanying "Feld" hints at - you translated it directly as "to cultivate", whereas I used a more loose expression ("The father took care of the field"). If a more literal translation is desired, your choice clearly is more precise.

Another thing is that you dropped the definitive article from "der Vater", thus making "the father" a somewhat more familiar "father" (as in, "our father"). This, again, is an implied meaning not present in the source - if it was indeed intended, the line would be "Vater hat das Feld bestellt" (as this is nominative case, the article is not necessarily needed for declension of the noun, however actually dropping it makes the "father" more familiar, just as it works in English).

Quote:

The children rose up out of the skin

Nothing particularly wrong with this one, but stylistically I seem to prefer my "The children rose from within the skin". Obviously, it's a more subjective assessment.

Quote:

Onto the ground and sang aloud

Hmm... déjà vu? :D

Quote:

Where I, myself, was sown

This is unfortunately not quite correct. The proper translation of "Wo ich mich selber ausgesät" may be tricky for a less experienced person, as the source line features a rather archaic grammatical construct where a perfect tense equivalent is formed by a past participle alone (i.e. without an auxiliary verb). Thus, "Wo ich mich selber ausgesät" needs to be read as "Wo ich mich selber ausgesät habe/hatte", which translates to "Where I have/had sown myself". If you intended to say "where I, myself, was sown" in German, it would be "wo ich selbst ausgesät wurde".

Quote:

My heart is dead in the Earth

That's the other of the two most problematic lines; there are a few issues here. Firstly, "Erde" does not refer to "the planet Earth" here (thus, you wouldn't want to capitalise the English equivalent, even if you insisted on translating directly as "earth"), but rather "soil" or "ground" (as it relates to the "sowing" mentioned in the previous line). Also, this line refers to the same place the previous one does. Therefore, the two lines need to be translated like this:

Where I had sown myself
There my heart stands/sits in dead soil

(If wanting to sound more poetical, one might go ahead and say "There my heart lingers in dead soil", as the "steht" here has a bit of a "left behind", "lonely" flavour to it.)

Now here's a caveat: upon closer listening I realised that the source line doesn't really say "Mein Herz in toter Erde steht", but rather "Ein Herz in toter Erde steht" (I prompted where I had posted my transcription and translation to have this mistake corrected, unfortunately it hasn't been done). Hence, the lines

Wo ich mich selber ausgesät
Ein Herz in toter Erde steht

should become

Where I had sown myself
There a heart stands/sits/lingers in dead soil

Quote:

Father lost his heart

Originally, I used a somewhat convoluted "The father's heart had gone lost" for this line. In a revision, I changed it to a direct "The father has lost his heart", which is a bit of a mishap, as the present perfect tense clashes with the time specification from the previous line ("in May?"). At the end of the day, "The father lost his heart" might arguably be the best equivalent to pick (as for the missing article in your line, see above).

***

Overall, you did a pretty good job, considering that certain parts of this text can be quite dodgy to translate for someone who is not a native German speaker. Hopefully you'll find my comments informative and helpful; any feedback is welcome.

_____
I sincerely hope that any bystander who endured through all this has now a much deeper realisation of how complex of an exercise a translation actually is most of the time. Contrarily to what many (most unfortunately) seem to believe, it is NOT "just re-typing a given text in another language".

FunkenstossFunkenstoss    Fri, 06/01/2012 - 03:47

While adding a revised version of my own translation here, I noticed that the source text is neither being provided nor editable by the translator, which actually makes it a lot less likely that you might have been relying on my original translation from Affenknecht.com as a draft. If you haven't indeed, please do not take any offense in my earlier suggestion that you might have. :)

FunkenstossFunkenstoss    Fri, 06/01/2012 - 18:20

Heh, I know that thread; I've actually posted in it (mainly complaining about errors in the transcription of the source text, as I found it a shame that such an elaborate interpretation has a flawed transcription to go with it).

By the way, I wonder whether you know how the source lyrics here can be edited (it looks like only the person who posted them here can do it, is this correct?) - there's two errors that slipped by when I was correcting them initially, I pointed these out in the footnotes of the translation I posted here.

FunkenstossFunkenstoss    Sun, 15/01/2012 - 09:06

Thank you!

Your new version is quite impressive, very nice stuff! I'd be happy if my "nitpicking" was a source of motivation for you to come up with this. :) The use of "tilled" in the translation of a Rammstein text stands out as particularly... interesting. ;)

However, are you completely positive you want to leave "Where I, myself, was sown"? As I had pointed out, there is no passive form in the source line, but rather an active, reflexive one - as mentioned, the most accurate literal equivalent of "Wo ich mich selber ausgesät" is arguably "Where I had sown myself". Also, while "rotting" generally seems semantically valid for the line that follows, it's not a straight translation as you stated in the footnote - "stehen" would literally be "stand"/"sit" (or "linger" at best, given the context). Another thing is that you now seem to translate "Weißt du noch, im März…?" differently each time.

Regarding the title phrase - you now have nicely conveyed the likely reference to forget-me-not; however, perhaps it might be better yet to leave it as "Forget us not" in the main translation, preserving the (much significant, as it seems) plural form actually used - the pun on forget-me-not should remain pretty easy to spot, and a hint can still be given in the footnote.

Otherwise, it's great - an artistic, imaginative translation is always an outstanding thing to behold.